Bitterness Destroys Relationships

Bitterness in a relationship is not as uncommon as we would like to think. Often, we will say things like, “I am not bitter; however, I am hurt.” The problem with this is that the feeling of being “hurt” or “resentful” is usually how one feels when they are bitter.

One of the most common ways to ruin relationships is to be bitter. There are several common signs of bitterness that we can look for. We need to examine ourselves to see if we are harboring bitterness in our hearts towards our spouse or a friend. The first sign is Gossip or slander. We often love to confide in others when we're bitter. We'll say things about our spouse or friend that are slander with little or nothing good to say about them (Hebrews 12:15-17). Another sign of our bitterness is when we are ungrateful for the relationship, and we find ourselves often complaining about our spouse or friend (Philippians 2:14). Third, we can become very judgmental of their motives. No matter what the individual does it is suspect in our eyes. For instance, if a husband does something nice, the wife thinks his motives must be wrong. Perhaps he is only doing this because he wants sex. Or if a wife does something nice the Husband may think she only did that so that he would fix the roof (1 Corinthians 4:5). A fourth sign of bitterness can be excessive sorrow. Grief and hurt can crowd out any joy in the heart of the bitter individual; we must be careful that this is not the case. A fifth characteristic to be aware of is pouting or brooding. We can pout about what our spouse or friend has done, think about it constantly and play it over and over in our heads. This is not healthy and not characteristic of biblical love (1 Corinthians 13:5).

As Christians, we need to put off any bitterness and put on kindness, be tenderhearted and forgiving. This begins with our thoughts. Here are some examples of how we can change our thinking to align with Scripture in the context of a marriage relationship. If your thoughts go immediately to the negative regarding your spouse, this is a red flag. For instance, if a husband or wife come home from work in a bad mood, instead of thinking, “How dare they come home and take it out on me!” Think of how you can lift them up rather than tear them down. Change your thinking to, “Maybe they feel under pressure at work, how can I help them?”  

Ephesians 4:31-32 ~ "Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. Be kind to one another, tender-hearted, forgiving each other, just as God in Christ also has forgiven you." This kind of thinking will help to destroy bitterness. Another thought that harbors bitterness is this, “I do so much for them, and look at what I get in return!” Change that thinking to, “I wonder if I could do something differently to make it easier for them.” Philippians 2:3-4 ~ "Do nothing from selfishness or empty conceit, but with humility of mind regard one another as more important than yourselves; do not merely look out for your own personal interests, but also for the interests of others."

A great idea is to keep a brief log of your bitter thoughts. Each time you feel hurt or resentful, write down your thoughts word for word. Then go over each thought and take the time to convert those thoughts to kind, tender-hearted, or forgiving thoughts. As you do this, know that you will be showing love to God and to your spouse/friend as you take each thought captive in obedience to Christ. Be sure to destroy the list of bitter thoughts immediately so that no one comes across the list and gets hurt.

In closing, it is important for us to remember that if we are being bitter and unforgiving, we are being wicked, plain and simple and we need to repent. No matter what has happened in a relationship, forgiveness and reconciliation is always possible in the Lord if bitterness is not in the mix.